mIsH.maSh.mUsh.

2012-01-02T04:34:00.000-08:00

So yes- it’s the first working day of the New Year and strangely I was stuck with no work! Me- stuck with no work does not come regularly and the people who have stood by me through the latter half of the year will agree undoubtedly.

Anyways- without digressing further- I was sitting there in that dingy room as usual- with the cupboard that felt like it was going to fall any minute and the fan that rotated creakily, staring out of the window, listening to the silly goat that has been bleating for the past one week blare with all its heart while the cold breeze blows wisps of hair into my eyes. As all this is happening, I think back of the year that was. A year filled with transition, transformation, travel, revelations, birth, death and trouble.

After 2 long years at CIEFL Hyderabad, it was time to move. I didn’t want to. But I did. And very reluctantly too. I came to Bangalore. For my first real job. I loved it. But as much as Hyderabad was home, Bangalore didn’t even come close. I hated it here. The feeling hasn’t changed much except now- I’ve resigned to my fate for a while. So yes- that was Transition!

Over the past 2 years, I have come to appreciate second chances more for the simple reason that when it was necessary, I was given one. And it worked wonders for me. From being the silly girl that was pushed around and taken for granted- and it wouldn’t be wrong to say this- I metamorphosized into a strong independent woman who stood her ground and worked hard for a living. I became what my mother would call- ‘Responsible’.

Now travel is interesting! I made it to India’s two most talked about cities- Delhi and Mumbai. Yes- the capital city and the city that never sleeps. Driving on the streets of Delhi, I was in awe of how well kept the capital was. And to top it all- the metro that made me think that it was ok if I never got to ride the Subway in NY! As for Mumbai- what do I say? The sounds, the streets, the smells, the busy trains, the double-decker bus, the jetty ride at the Gateway of India, homemade pani-puris- an Adventure of sorts.

A loved one lost. True friends realized. A New child welcomed and an accident my family will not forget finished the year for me.

Thank you’s are essential at the end of the year-

Ma and Dada- for being the two most understanding and trusting parents.

Mrit- because without you, I wouldn’t be me

Sujeet- for letting me be me and for always being you.for being my strength and my weakness at the same time.

Ali- for being there for me unconditionally.

Varma- for putting up with all my crap and for being my strength during transition and other wise.

Aarthi- Though far, you will always be close to my heart.

Ona and Granny- for being my left and right hand.

Nishath- because we have got through one more year of being there for each other.

D- for giving me strength, for being brash when it was necessary and for telling me I’m capable of better things.

Mel- for giving me a family in Bangalore and listening to me whine without any complaints.

Polo- for finding time to listen to me rant.

Sajeed- for being there. for long walks. for being the person that I can call at any time of the night and being my 2am friend! :)

Vivek- For being an important reason for me to come to Calicut.

Faffa and Mushu- for being sensible for me!

Nambiar- For really listening to me. and for sharing things with me that you would not have with anyone else.

Bas-sam- for being my comfort! for the rides. for the chats. for pani-puri. for making my belief firm- all arabs are not asses! <3

Mathew George and Nakul B.M- for making Bangalore feel a little like home and a lot like George's.

Gautami- for being my mirror-image! :*

KIA- for loving me the way you do!

But more than anything- the most important thing this year happened 3 hours before it ended- I met him. I finally did. I realized how much I had missed him and after all these years, it felt just the same to hug him. Thank you Abel Abraham Koshy for being my friend. I know that it hasn’t been easy and we do have a lot of catching up to do – but I hope we do it! Let’s make time and get this right. I have missed having you in my life. I’m glad that a little part of you still is. And I guarantee you will always be.

To us I dedicate- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyppAHX8ILE

This year, I’m jittery. I know it’s going to be another year full of transitions and travel. Maybe there might be a change of scene. Maybe there might new friends. Maybe there might be fun and frolic. Maybe there might be sadness and sorrow. But one thing is for sure- I’m ready. Embracing 2012- I say- Surprise me!

:)

2011-11-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

sucking on a lollipop, sitting in my veranda and watching it rain cats and dogs- i am reminded of things that make me happy.

amma- for everything she is. for everything she has made me. for pure and unconditional love in its truest form. for being my all.

dada-for relentlessly praying for things to go right. for slogging his life off in another country so i could have what i wanted. for teaching me the importance of independence and freedom.

Mrit- for being the more mature, smarter,cooler, funner, and more awesomer version of me. for watching my back all the time.

Friends- for being my second family. for fun.laughter.shoulders to cry on. hugs. fights. food. masti. movies.noise. nakhra. bitching sessions. for everything that i couldnt do with my family- i did with you!

Shoes- because i feel awesome when i try a new pair on. because they give me some sort of energy and i feel new!

Food- because you are always there for me when i want to cry and cant.

Bike rides- because the rush of adrenalin makes me forget what im really thinking about!

Why am i thinking happy things?
because when life throws stupid curve balls at you- you gotta be ready or you'll be stumped!

What a Good Bath does:

2011-09-23T01:21:00.000-07:00

I just realized that that last time I put up a meaningful post was…a long time ago and just as I was writing that sentence I was thinking of what the word meaningful meant. What does it mean? Does it have to mean something to you or does it have to mean something to the people who spend time reading what you have written? I’m in doubt again.
But that’s for another post…
What I really felt like writing today was how I have started looking at the world differently. I have finally decided that I’m not going to be pushed to do anything that I don’t want to do. I’m not getting married to someone I don’t know. I’m not going to be registered on some stupid Matrimonial site. And I’m definitely not going to work in a place where I feel uncomfortable walking through the corridors.
I always thought my life would be easy- I would travel the world and meet new people and study new things and develop new passions. Turns out…I was wrong! My life revolves around a 10-6 job which sometimes goes from 9am-10pm. After what seems to be a never ending day, I come back to insipid food and endless WI-Fi connection. I know…the positives of WI-Fi- but you have to be awake to use it. And I’m generally not! Don’t get me started on the what the routine is on the weekend…then again it would be pretty easy to talk about- finishing pending work for next week, washing clothes that have been left out and finally washing off the grime of an entire week with a long bath.
It is just after a bath that all the nice thoughts about what I want from life come. And this is one of those moments. Me being me…it is obvious to anyone who knows me that I would have drawn up a list and you are absolutely right! So this is my list of the top twenty things- my list of things that I want to get done before I lose my streak of madness which I hope I never do…this is my bucket list.
1.Buy myself a Fastrack watch.
2.Go on an Elephant ride.
3.Explore all the temple architecture in Tamil Nadu.
4.Take Mom to the Golden Temple in Amritsar
5.Work for a fashion magazine
6.Buy a pair of Jimmy Choo Pumps
7.Learn to walk in Pumps. :)
8.Smoke a joint and get a Blowback.
9.Go Scuba-Diving
10.Stand atop the Eiffel Tower
11.Finish reading The Lord of the Rings
12.Try reading the newspaper every day.
13.Go for a rock concert.
14.Go on a road trip with my girls, stop at all the places that were not on the plan, make sure the car breaks down and then hitchhike a ride with hippies.
15.Get my own place. (Own a place with a loft like the one Vipurva Parikh owns.):P
16.Streak my hair blue/red.
17.Attend the Oscars (too farfetched but a girl can dream!)
18.Rob a Store (just for the fun of it! I’ve always wondered how it would feel to make a run for it.)
19.Own an Audi A7.
20.Make sure that I get at least five things on this list done. :)

There’s so much more to do and even more to write about but the continuation of the list is for another post.

Till then… I have a lesson plan to finish.

celebrating the true spirit of joblessness

2011-08-09T04:04:00.000-07:00

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER:

The Smurfs (3D)with really big weird glasses that made me look and feel weird!

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING:

The Lord of the Rings. Yes... this time I am going to finish reading it however long it takes- so thank you Raouf! :)

3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME:

Scrabble. Ludo with Sujeet.

4. FAVORITE SOUNDS:

rain. its cliched but i love it. my dad praying in the morning. my mom in the kitchen. my phone ringing at 11. Jahnvi calling for me.

5. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:

baseless allegations thrown at your face make you feel like shit.so too when your'e yelled at for somebody else's mistake.

6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE:

I hope I dont fall or hurt myself today!

7. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE:

Mcdonalds! all the way...

14. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, “IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD…:

get more sleep. I have a feeling I'm sleeping less these days!

15. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI? :

Yes

16. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE? :

A streak of red or electric blue.

17. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED IN:

Calicut,Bahrain,Ooty,Hyderabad, Bangalore

18. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH:

Football with Mritul and Cricket with Mom.

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:

I have no idea what i would have done without you in my life... loads of love your way Varma!

20. WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED? :

Chappals, Chappals and loads of Chappals.

21. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BORN AS YOURSELF AGAIN? :

Yes.

22. MORNING PERSON OR NIGHT OWL? :

"I am a creature of the night".courtesy: Hrishikesh Varma

23. FAVOURITE PLACE TO RELAX? :

Home on the sofa in front of the T.v.

2011-08-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

friendship day....why would you want just one day to celebrate it?

2011-06-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

there are some people that come into your life so suddenly and you tend to wonder...are they here to stay? or are they the kind of people that will fade away as the days move by? I have finally moved out of the CIEFL phase and have officially entered office space. i have stepped out of a comfortable hostel, with my own cupboard and a wonderful roommate to a hostel where even after 2 weeks im still living out of my suitcase. i have left hyderabad and am now trying to embrace bangalore for all that it is! i thought it would be easy. but its not. I miss hyderabad. i miss university. i miss waking up to my room mate saying- "utt gayi??!" but most of all i miss the security that came with being there. everything here seems alien. like its out from some story book that i dont want to read.
but i know this- like all my posts end...this one will end with the optimistic note that i am famous for when i say-it will happen! bangalore will be mine soon. i will learn to like it as time goes by and maybe then we will walk hand in hand- one looking after the other.
until then- im cribbing! :)

To the person who understood me without really trying. love you B!

2011-05-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

kohl filled eyes well up as mumbled whispers go around;
a hug, a kiss, a saying of "I believe in you!"
as a group of people huddle and hug
in a corner

one heart wonders...when next?
one heart wanders...through corridors, classes, tea-shops

an empty bed!

the first of many have left.

स्ट्रीट फ़ूड!

2011-03-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good. -Alice May Brock

Its amazing how many different cuisines there are in the world and how wonderful and distinct they are from each other. Each a different taste. Each a different colour. Each a different smell. And yet sometimes you don’t have to visit a 5 star hotel and pay am exorbitant amount to be introduced to the best kind of food in India because the cuisines are where they should be- on the street and for everyone. This post is necessary because whenever anybody travels around a new place one of the things they look for after accommodation are places where you get the best food fro the best prices and this post could just be your guide as to what a place can offer you. For starters, its one of the major misconceptions that street food is characteristic to only the rural places in India when infact one of the best places to begin your journey of eating street food is Mumbai. After all what better place to start from that from the city that never sleeps!

I remember waking down the lanes of Mumbai, taking in the smells and the sights of the place when I stumbled into this little lane where I could smell the spice in the curry, see the sweet gooey juices around the colorful ‘jalebis’ and like any other Indian teen who likes the idea of street food…I galloped into that little street and savored what I would call one of the most exquisite food I had eaten in a while. I’m not complaining that mom makes bad food…but its “chaat” and “vada pav” we are talking about here.

Its not just Mumbai that serves appetizing street food. In July 2010 I visited Calcutta- the city of joy and what an eye-opener it was. The ’puchkkas’ (crispy rice balls stuffed with
potato and dipped in a special water that is made with spices) were outstanding to the point that when they broke in your mouth, it was a taste that I knew for sure that I was going to remember for life. And its not just the puchkkas- they serve chicken rolls, ’beguni’(fried brinjal), aloo and pyaas chops( fried potato and onion)and if you are someone with a major sweet tooth then you are in the right place. Mark my words-The variety of sweet food will astound you. Every street and lane has atleast two such shops. So if you think you have missed one, just turn the corner and another one awaits your arrival.

Everyone down south in India believes that Mumbai is the king of all good things that India has to offer and I choose to disagree. India on a whole- state by state- city to city, and every nook, corner and little ‘galli’ (small street) provides something special to relish and make an experience out of- and that includes the South of India as well.

The Kerala street food market is so huge because it has a particular dish for every district- so it ranges from the ‘thattukadas’ that serve ‘thattu-dosas’(a light rice-flour Crepe [dosa] fried in coconut oil and served with coconut chutney) to crispy chicken fry and quail eggs fried with a ‘parotta’(which is like a naan but beaten and mixed with oil). They also serve the famous banana fry and ‘parripuvada’ which is deep fried balls made of lentils. Tamil Nadu ,Karnataka and Andhra Pradesh offer delicacies in the areas of starters and desserts that will fill you with the essence of the place itself. The ghee filled ‘mysore pak’ to the‘obbattu’ to the ’kabab skewers’ its all there and it’s one adventure anyone would want to take.

The capital just like Mumbai and the other metropolitan cities in India offers a wide range of street food all over the place and so finding a good place to sit down and eat will not be difficult at all. As someone rightly put it, India is a continent on its own and there is no country in the world probably that will give you this much of a variety all stuffed into 25 states. Pierre Auguste Renoir says: ‘It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks’. So what are you waiting for. Listen to the call of the street food that awaits you- its right down that corner.
Bon Appetite!

Fight?

2011-02-24T06:31:00.000-08:00

Its one of those days when you realize that things can never be the same again and you are at the brim of that glass filled with utter crap! That’s how I feel right now. All of a sudden I seem to lose patience fast. All of a sudden I lose faith in the things that I have believed in all my life. All of a sudden I don’t believe in love. All of a sudden I am stuck. Its not that I’m not happy. I am. Very. It’s just that sometimes I like to see things as just black and white! I don’t want grey areas. I like it as simple as it can get and I don’t think I’m asking for too much. But then if everything in the world was that easy then ‘it’ wouldn’t be called life and there would be no incentive to get up the next day and fight!

Fight! My mom once told me that all the good things in life are worth fighting for. And that’s what I am reminded of now-a-days. That is what I tell myself- when I look at a bad grade and decide instantly that I want to do better. That is what I tell myself when I make a mistake and hurt someone and don’t want them to give up on me. That is what I tell myself when I hold onto the rays of hope, of love, of a life with the man I love- of a new beginning. And then all of a sudden my life seems to have a meaning to it. My life is telling me that there is a purpose to it. I want to get up and stand on both my feet, breathe the air in and tell the world that I am strong.

But then again…I am left to wonder how long this will last. I am left to wonder how long I will be able to hold on. I am left to wonder how long I will fight!

The answer is just where I want it to be- a silent message sent to me telling me that there is someone who believes that I am still capable of love and I always will be. Because of who I am on the inside. Because mom taught me well. Because I know that I will never give up. Because I am me. I will love. I will conquer. I will not give up. I will believe. I will breathe. I will fight. I will live.

things that are new and improved.

2011-02-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

so...yes! as usual my posts are much too delayed and decayed in my brain by the time i set to really writing them but then again they are there so like i always say- I'd rather have it written down than forgotten. so...here i go! its been two weeks since i got back from my two month holiday at home and i was'nt even a decimal point thrilled to be back at the University so i sulked around for a few days and then realized that i had to make it work for myself! there was no other way.
I had to get through a semester; i knew that. so i got to business trying to make this semester easier for me. and guess what it worked. I just started having fun. I realized that i did'nt have to be nice to everyone. I didnt have to keep up all the social obligations i had or thought i did all the time. I did what made me happy. I lived life the way i wanted to and was happy and content at the way things were turning out. and all this mind you happened in the span of around 3 days approx.
Then the day dawned. i turned 23! officially. shit! i was growing old. that's when it hit me. this semester i had some major decisions to make and i have to make them keeping only me in mind. now...how the hell is that possible? ah...but the answer to that is a completely different post.
So back to where i was of discovering that i had to make some serious decisions- so the first one i took was of not doing a dissertation. i have always wanted to do one. since the time i set foot in this university...but then some things just don't happen the way you want it to. so that's that! days moved on in this place where all i did was watch movies, watch movies, watch movies,laze around and hang out in my room with the roomie who i have come to know and love.
Fourth semester did change a few things thoug. from the way i feel about Hyderabad now to the way i look at myself. its like the place and the people have done wonders for the new and improved me. and i like that. the fact that a place can help in making you stronger and ready to face the world enthralled me in the beginning but now...i just turn back and say...HELL YA! i will make it!!
Amidst all this chaos and confusion of discovering and re-discovering places and things, bonds have broken, been made and some strengthened over time. people have come to be respected and appreciated for what they are. secrets have been shared. a part of me finally feels accepted. and i like it.
So this post is dedicated to all the random trips to Maula Ali, the shopping sprees, the food outings, the randomness of just sitting around with buddies, the endless trips to kim fung and big bazaar and cribbing and eating at the mess, facebooking through the night,decorating and redecorating rooms, cups and cups of coffee, crazy assignment days, no internet confusions, loads of movies,ladies night outs, planning trips and not taking them and a lot more craziness that is yet to come.
so thank you...to Hyderabad; to CIEFL; to the people here; to my roomie for teaching me that its OK to be me and that its not necessary that everyone likes me.

as far as im concerned now...I'd be damn glad if someone occasionally thought i was being an ITCH with a big B right in the front of it!!! i love being me! :)

The Givers of Life

2010-11-15T01:43:00.000-08:00

Someone wise once said on a random google search page that "Home is the place where it feels right to walk around without shoes” and it is true.

this is the first time in years where i have wished to go home. and now i am. to hug my dada. to rest my head in my mom's lap. to play ball with my brother. to gossip with my aunts. to babysit my cousins. to witness the birth of a new baby. a new relationship. Home is where my heart is.

this sudden urge to go home is not owing to the fact that i am sick and would be better of at home. this post is because i realize that i am no one without the people back home. this post is to thank the two people who brought me into this world. this post if for my parents.

this post is dedicated to all those kids who suddenly find themselves alone- look behind you. your family is just a call away.

this post is to all the parents of the world but especially to mine- for making the person i am. i am strong because of you. i am brave because of you. i am me because of you. and i only hope and pray that i am and become half the individual that you want me to be because you two are two of the most beautiful individuals on this earth together and apart.

you make me proud.

p.s. Ma, We 4 are the World! (M3JK):)

2010-11-11T21:37:00.000-08:00

this has been put off for a really long time but then again i can still hear my heart in my mouth every time i cough. This past week has been about nothing but rest and major amounts of sleep. all the sleep i have missed this semester. all the dreams that were waiting to be seen. all the realities that we were ready to be acknowledged. everything. this week did that for me.
it all started out with a random conversation with a friend at around 01:30 am and the next thing i know i've decided to take a bike trip to HCU at that time of the night. so i came back and changed into something more comfortable and carried a bag with little things like food and water too. when i stepped out to go i was so pumped-it was unbelievable! i hadn't felt like that in a really long time.
it normally takes 40 minutes or more by bus if you want to get to HCU(Hyderabad Central University)-it took us 25. the minute iset foot in there, it was cold. chilly. like i could smell the unpollutedness(if there is such a word)of the air inside and it was mesmerizing. Four hours of circling the campus and i still had so much more to see but then my human instincts of hunger had to come in the way so we left. there is something i have not mentioned- when we left campus he did tell me that there was a surprise in store. i had forgotten about it until we left the campus and he said-" when i tell you to hang on tight, you hang on tight. got it?" i remember vaguely thinking-ya right! what could be so surprising? but was i in the most awesomest ride ever.
so we are still riding.riding.riding. and then he says it and i can see the road- a curve, a downhill, an uphill and then a curve again. nice road i thought. smooth road. i clung on tightly. as tightly as i could and was i glad i did. at 110km/hr that has got to be one of the finest moments ever. the surge of adrenaline.the wind beating at your ears. a roller coaster ride without getting in one.
well...we did get back in one piece and after breakfast at Reddy's, i treated myself to an amazing nap.
now here comes the hard part- i caught a cold. i thought-hah! its just a cold...it will pass! it did not.i was cold. my body ached. it went on to be a fever. then my body was burning up. and then i couldnt taste what i was eating. all because i ignored a common cold.

moral of the story: If you have caught it, treat it!

The city of Joy

2010-09-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

so on the 16th of july i realise that my life has been nothing but a series of plans that have and have not worked...the latter being the more relevant one so i decided that i was going to pack my bags and leave-go anywhere-go do something that i had never done before. not make any plans but just follow what my heart was telling me to do and my head was objecting to.
so i book tickets to one of the places that i have always wanted to visit my entire life and i find that there are 2 tickets left...just my luck! :) so ya...i go. with one bag, eyes full of dreams and nothing but love in my heart- i go to the city of joy!
a train ride through the north of India and i am ecstatic. its unbelievable how similar it looks to the south. when i was growing up people always said that the north was a barren land- and rajasthan was the example but what they forgot to mention was that punjab was also a part of that very same north of India.
it was awesome looking out of that window and knowing that this was the first of many such trips to come and the idea sent a jolt down my spine- i was growing up. i was travellign alone.to a new place. and it felt good.
The city of joy opened its heart out to me with a splash and a nice one too! but as i crossed the howrah bridge the feeling of being there was mesmerising. it felt like home. and i had never been there before. the smell of the roads filled with food stalls all over and the mouth-watering sweet shops- i lose words when i have to write about them. my highlight about the place was something the people there call-"puchka"! i love it. the way it crackles in my mouth when it bursts. the spicy water that goes down your throat- refreshing.
walks on the street there, long awaited meetings with friends, and just randomly sitting around talking. there was nothing more i could have asked for from this trip.
when i left to come back to where i supposedly belong atleast for the next few months it was heartbreaking... and as i got on that train and travelled back the same way i had gone there it felt like i had left a piece of me there and i knew then...i knew...

that i would have to go back there someday to reclaim what was mine. to reclaim what i had willingly given to "the city of joy".

I ask you this-JD

2010-07-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

so thought for the day- why dont rebounds ever get recognized for the good they do?? i mean...if you look at it they are so underestimated and go unnoticed most of the times! i find that both revolting and sad.
look at it this way...you would rather remember the name of the person who broke your heart into a million pieces than the name of the person who sits by your side, offers you tissue and picks up all those tiny pieces of that broken heart and fixes them back together.
you would rather remember the pain caused than the times when even through a falling tear there is a small smirk that comes to your lips.
you would rather live with all the pain than walk that extra mile to being happy.
it all finally comes down to priorities: do you want to waste your life being sad or do you want to take that little extra effort and get your life back on track?

2010-06-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

i really wish i was someone's priority. but then i console myself saying that i love the freedom i have now. god knows what will happen over the next few years.

maybe im just worried...i grow old by the day. i see friends getting married, getting into long-term relationships, friends in relationships getting to better heights and then i ask myself...why not me? where is life taking me? what does it have in store for me?
and the answer is so simple and one that im now used to accepting -
at a big question mark!

but thats ok. it not like i have a problem with it. im optimistic enough and will not stop dreaming. in a recent status message one of friends wrote- i love happy endings! i agree! i love them too. and i wait for mine...

Alive.Flawed.Human.

2010-03-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

It’s funny how we are always surrounded by people…and yet the sense of loneliness just gets to you. You try to stop it. You try to resist it. You try to fight it. You try to ignore it. And finally when it just does not go away… You accept it.

It’s like some people find it difficult to share a chocolate with somebody else. Some want to and cant because they don’t have anyone to share it with. Some just give up eating the chocolate. As for some, after a point of time the chocolate has no taste. You can feed and feed…but it will make no taste bud on your tongue tingle.

Life puts you through various tests. The idea is to see if you will survive.
I choose to and therefore I will.

Nothing will suck out the optimism that lies deeply imbedded in both me and my inner consciousness that I neither know much about nor am oblivious to its existence.

I am what I am and that’s all what I am.
Im not good. Im not evil.
Im plain ol' me.
Alive.Flawed.Human.

28 February 2010

2010-03-01T04:06:00.000-08:00

A strong gush of wind. a horde of people clustered in a narrow corridor around a tiny little child that lay there.Red-wine like substance all around him. Gasping for air. Sipping on water. He drew his last breath. An image that will never leave my eyes.He passed away last night. I didnt know him and now I will never know him either.

At the end of it all... what will remain with me is the vacant expression in his childlike eyes. The eyes that will never see the dawn of the morning sun again...never again.

But I will say this... wherever you are...I, like all the others...hope your'e happy. Content with the life you have led.

HV-forever and for always!

2009-06-27T06:27:00.001-07:00

I have been putting this off for too long…but I think its time now to let the world know about a certain someone who within the past few months has created an incredible effect on my life that I myself find it funny to really acknowledge the fact that someone can mean so much to you. I never really thought that we would keep in touch after that fateful meeting but we did! After that if ever I needed to cry or to bitch about something or just for the sake of talking to someone he was always there- unconditionally!
This post is a dedication to HV for always being my rock! I owe you big time! And yes…it might just sound cliché but I really have no words to express the amount of gratitude I have. Thank you and I hope we stay friends for life!

listening and hearing

2009-05-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

i was once asked by someone really special about why i found it hard to express my real feelings without giving a damn about what other people thought! at that point in time i really had no idea what the hell she was actually saying but years later when i sit thinking about it i realise now that maybe i should have paid more attention.

i was once asked by someone really special about why i found it so hard to speak the truth and believe in it with full conviction! at that point of time i knew that i wasnt going to pay any attention to this lecture but years later when i sit thinking i realise that i should have really listened and not just heard.

i was told by a really smart person who i had known for about 5 minutes before he told me this- "there is always a difference with listening and hearing!" i argued all the way but gave up towards the end when all he said was this- "if you had listened and not just heard what i said you would have won this argument! i was just spinning words to prove a point!"

My Silver Lining

2009-05-07T06:02:00.001-07:00

2000-2005:
A normal day! Running around a crowded class-room; following friends to busy lab sessions; hiding in the library; peering and peeking from the big windows; leaving gifts in desks on birthdays; fighting over movies, music, food, football!!! Fun-times! 5 years of spending time with people who are on the same wave-length as you. Making friends for a life-time!

2005-2009:
It was one of those usual days when i was sitting around with nothing to do when i suddenly had the urge to talk to someone i could just blabber to and not make any sense and that wouldnt matter either. But its me we are talking about... nothing comes easy! I decided to call AAK. Dialed and then answered and for the first time in the 9 years that i have known him- the weridest thing happened- i was brushed aside- not intentionally but still done! I hung up not knowing what to do or say! Me- the biggest chatter-box of all times was silenced for the first time and why... because i havent moved on with time and i failed to notice that my friends had! I just took it for granted that they were all just where i was- back in time where probabaly i had happiness and everybody had time for everyone. The last time we had a serious discussion I realised that i had never really stuck by him through anything. Not that i didnt want to ...but i was lost myself to really help anyone else. But come to think of it now- I really wish that i had atleast been brave enough to support! There have been times since that day and before that day as well when I landed up cursing myself for being the person that I am. Its true what they say - Its difficult letting go of the people you love and for me- as much as i hate admitting it- im not that gud with sharing as well! But then it strikes me- people are not possessions to be shared or called your own! At some point of time they all will have to move on!

PRESENT TIME:
Im not worried that distance will seperate me from my friends! For now i dont have many things to be happy about but i know one thing for sure- taken from my favorite-John Mayer- The circle of your friends defend the silver lining. They are the only people that i look for ward to for happiness and no brushing off will make me let go! It was unintentional and im keeping it that way. I have to accept that there will always be people other than me in my friends' lives! Its time to move on and make a mark for myself. I live with the optimism that some day from now i will be closer to them in heart and distance. Some day from now I will be one with them again...

My '25'.

2009-03-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

Before I go to bed today I thought I would just write down something that was asked of me by a friend and for starters...as usual…I’m sorry that this is coming so late!

Ok for most people who think you know me... you don’t! So... 25 random things about me...

1) The most important thing in my life is my family. I adore my Brother, have great regard and respect for my Dad and just absolutely love my Mom.

2) I love the rains! And I actually prefer crying in the rain... no one really asks why your eyes are red then. But on a more serious note... I love the feel of the prick on a rain drop on your face when you’re driving in the rain.

3) I hate any other flavor for ice-cream except chocolate. I pride myself on being the best choser of ice-creams at BR.

4) I'm a complete romantic. I could spend an entire day reading crappy, cheesy, sleazy romantic novels about some drama queen who couldn’t find her shoe!

5) I love Sit-Com's! From the ones with class to the ones that make no sense at all... I can watch them all!!!

6) I love the color Blue! Anything that color makes me feel nice on the inside and it’s the same feeling with White too! And yes...black makes me look fat and white makes me look thin! That’s exactly how topsy-turvy things are!

7) If I had one wish...I would wish that my life was a Fairy- Tale! I absolutely love fairy tales and know almost every single one of them by heart and I'm also one of the biggest fans of Disney!

8) I detest cooking! I don’t understand how you can spend an entire day slogging your ass off and then eat all that you just made! Weird!

9) I hated reading books but the recent few years have shown me that the saying is true- ' A book can be your best friend'. After all it shows you exactly what you want to see. How would anyone not like it!

10) I love my palate and absolutely relish food... that other people make! I love spicy food...it should bring a tear to your eye and make your nose wrinkle!

11) I'm a complete movie-holic! I can watch any movie under the sun but I like the romantic- comedies best and if I really like the movie I can watch it like a million times and still not get bored.

12) I know it will be contradicting if I say that I get bored fast… but Trust me I do! Movies and ice cream are probably the only things I don’t tire of but everything else is there!

13) I love being in the spotlight. It’s a completely new feeling every time you win something or when you are No.1! As for me...No.1 is most important!

14) Dairy milk- without nuts or anything in it is my most favorite chocolate. I hate white chocolate...C'mon...chocolate is brown for Gods sake!

15) I am one of the best liars the world has seen and believe me...its not like people don’t ask me if I'm in the right profession or not!

16) I'm a window shoppaholic! I love going in with a bunch of friends, trying on some stuff and then walking out without buying anything. Its awesome fun! I have references!

17) I have the General Knowledge of a 'pea'. I cant stand anything that has anything to do with politics and besides there is nothing to read in the papers these days except who bombed who... c'mon... either do something to stop it or completely shut up!

18) I'm the most indecisive person you can find! I 'm just really confused always and can’t stand more than 2 choices. If there are 3 I just run like the wind!

19) I love poetry. Anything that has a jingle to it is good for me.

20) I'm 0% ‘not’ photogenic! Most of times u don’t find me in photos because I’m hiding from the camera and if I’m in the photo then I either look like a Hispanic or my teeth are just sticking out!

21) Which brings me to point 21- I'm very conscious about my teeth? I have weird teeth! For those bothering to read these…don’t stare at my teeth to check the next time I meet you.

22) I love sun signs! I'm Aquarius for all those who don’t know and I just have to read the papers every morning to find out what’s in my horoscope for the day! That is after I read the entertainment page and the Editorial page- if the topic interests me!

23) I can’t stand roses. I'm more of the Daisies girl. I love long walks especially when walking on the beach- chappals in one hand and sand running through your feet. The feeling always brings out a sense of happiness in me. I love Sun, Sand and Sea.

24) Three things that could make me cry of happiness- the feeling of ice on my tongue; pani puri- i just love the crackling sound in my mouth and the old numbers that remind me of the dances I danced for at the socials in school!

And yes....finally the one…the only...No.25

25) I believe that by saying that I’m different and I’m unique and I’m not like the rest of 'em just makes you one among the people who are saying that they are different and your still part of a crowd!

And trust me...that’s one big crowd!
Cheers!
Ciao.

M.C.C.

2009-02-16T10:34:00.000-08:00

one-side love... mobiles ons silent mode... bus stand comedies... escape from seminars... last period cuts... birthday treats... last minute preparations... over night study for the next day exam... friend's family functions... internal marks problems... mass bunk for a film... eager wait for feb 14th... shortage of pocket money and attendance... fights...tears...debates... conversation classes... stupid crushes... noisy lunchtimes... political strikes... irritating watchman... one day tours... fashion shows... centenary celebrations... department events... strict and unstrict teachers... gangs...

this is what im taking back from the 100 year old lady-Malabar Christian College. As i walked to the bus stop today i realised that even though i hate accepting the fact... i might just miss this god-forsaken place! and why...i wish i had just one reason!

KAIZORA '06-'09

2009-02-10T07:23:00.000-08:00

this was by far the weirdest day ever! it was a day when i was happy and sad together... confused and finally settled on something at the same time... inferior and the centre of attraction... and all this at the same time! for the first time in a long time today i felt beautiful. today i was on top of the world and down in the dumps at the same time and thats what made this one stand out so much from the other bothersome days that i have gone through.

today friends became friends again. today life took a new turn. today lessons were learnt. today was an energy booster.
...............................................................

today was plain WORTH-WHILE!

2009-02-09T09:36:00.001-08:00

this just in... was going through a friends list where 25 things on that list described exactly what she was. I couldnt even think of 10. That is how bad the situation is.
..............................

I need to take time to get to know the real me again. Looks like its time to get back to who i am. Not having an identity is one thing but trying to be something your not is just not acceptable.

what one failure can do!

2009-02-08T06:58:00.000-08:00

Its weird now...when your sitting in a class full of people who you have known for the past three years and your as alone as you were when you first set foot into this college.

Thats how alone you feel when realisation strikes you that there is no one you call your own but yourself. At the end of the day... only you will be there for yourself!

As for the people who thought were your friends... its time to think again and ask yourself if it was all worth it or are they just people you do nothing but compromise your identity for?

At this time, the only thing that floats through my head is what a friend once told me- " There is no such thing as real love in this world. Its all either for some selfish reason or just because we cannot live alone."
..........................

I agree now!

one of these days!

2009-02-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

im closing in on the end of the academic year, im confused and mom is screaming her lungs out saying it is time for me to be focussed! im not really sure what i want to do and where im finally going to go but one thing is for sure... there are only a few things that im going to keep with me from this place...one being experience! its funny how people always said that 'if u survived Georges, you can survive anywhere'. i think 'if u can survive MCC, u can rule the world'.
......................

i have just decided now within the few seconds that i got free without my phone ringing that i will do something with my life and this time nothing is going to stand in the way!

absolutely nothing!

will we ever be really ready for life?

2009-01-15T07:23:00.000-08:00

Its funny to think sbout the effect that some people can have on you. They effect you in such a way that you never know how you're going to react to it and thats what surprises you about yourself!
Someone wise told me that all you need to survive in this world are a hard heart, the ability to 'kiss-ass', a competetive spirit and tons of ambition. Now someone please correct me if im wrong- Napolean was poisoned; Caesar was stabbed; Hitler committed suicide and even Mahatma Gandhi though different from all these 'so-called qualities' was assasinated.
So now there are only two conclusions: 1: The person who told me was completely dumb and 2: You never know what life is going to throw at you so give up trying to be completely ready because life is something that happens to you after you have made all your fool-proof plans!

bye 2008; hello 2009!

2009-01-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

The start of a new year and the only thing running through my head is- Resolutions! Will I keep the ones I made? Do I really have the perseverance to make it through another hard year? Just like India has suffered I have lost! At a point in the past year there have been times when I hated the face I saw when I stood in front of the mirror. I hated the fact that I was gullible by choice and that would never change no matter what! I hated the fact that I was the last one to know when a friend was in trouble! I hated the way I reacted to it! I hated quite a lot of things!
It’s funny how people go their whole lives believing something and then somewhere down the lane they find out that all that was a lie and this is what they call Life. Life- there is no book that can teach you how to live it! It just comes- how shall I put it- Naturally!

So to a boring 2008 I bid adieu and its hello to 2009! This year I’m sticking to the resolutions I’ve made… after all you learn from experience that some resolutions are better kept for a happier and brighter future!

For all those of you who actually read what I just wrote- hats off!! On a more serious note…here’s wishing all of you a happy, prosperous and peace filled New Year!

Good luck and god bless!

the sinister smirk...

2008-12-14T00:36:00.000-08:00

no... i am not a small hacker... nor am i a virus... boo haw haw haw!!! but i am inside!! at last !! at last!! look who's laughing now?? hehehehehehe!!!

sometimes one needs to dwell into unknown territory...

like uncle joe's farm where you climb over the fence and into the corn fields and make way for the lone tree standing in the middle and carve out your initials along with that of those you cannot part from...

here i am...

ma initials stay...

when you say nothing at all

2008-12-14T00:23:00.000-08:00

its really funny when you want to say something and someone else has already said it for you.

wait...its actually a relief! atleast i dont have to be the one who is comepletely brutal with reality all the time!

thanks to the one who said it all...

the thought of being unlucky always!

2008-12-11T06:46:00.001-08:00

I’m tired of exams and am wondering when I will be let lose when all of sudden some stupid astrologer tells my family that I have got to slog my way through if I have to maintain number one position. God where the hell does this end? Oops! I just used God and Hell in the same sentence.
It sure looks like I’m going to rot in the fiery pits of red blood stained ‘Hell’!! Maybe that’s why exams are getting more difficult and I’m getting unluckier by the day!

I’m beginning to wonder if there’s going to be any more luck at all. Life is so hectic! And I haven’t even started working!!! Wait till that comes along!

Uhhhhh!

first or last?

2008-12-08T09:33:00.000-08:00

a question totally sent my head whirling today. a question i had'nt heard for 4 years now! a question i had once waited to hear! "may i have a dance with you?" that question had once sent shivers down my spine and now all it did was put my mind in such a dilemma...i actually didnt know what to say this time... i mean getting me to shut up and not say anything is like an achievement!
what i was actually thinking was this " which one is more important? getting the first dance or being the one for whom the last dance is reserved?"
i know...has anyone ever thought about it?

my other half!

2008-11-28T23:15:00.000-08:00

its been a while since i started writing and i dont think ive ever mentioned the other 'MJ' in my family. yup! i am talking about my partner in crime and my accomplice in everthing i have ever done- like he puts it- the dudemeister- my brother! its just that today i was wondering what i would have done if there was no him and the thought scared the living hell out of me!!!
so this is just to say 'MJ'- even if your the most annoying, agitating, irritating, bug- i just want you to know that if there wasnt you there would never be a me and mom would never have had an 'us'!
how does she put it again-" if its between them-its war....but if its against one of them-then the person on the other side is sure to lose!"
love ya bro!

their crowning glory!

2008-11-25T05:42:00.000-08:00

(To the World's Best Grandmother and The Best Mother in the Universe- the two people without whom i would have gone insane. i love u both very much and ammmamma- i miss u like the barren ground misses rain!!)

The quietness of stillness
The resonance of silence
The catch of a breath
An era has passed.

The passage of time
The power of love
The cycle of life
An era lives on.

forgive & forget

2008-11-14T05:53:00.001-08:00

Sometimes people would give anything just to be forgiven. It’s amazing to what lengths they can actually go. And it gets even weirder to watch when there is a case of ‘forgive and forget” involved. It felt pointless today when I sat listening to people talk about how they could forgive people but could never forget what they had done to them. Someone please explain to me how you can forgive but never forget the pain that the doing caused you. Or is it just another farce that people put up to be considered and put into the “nice people category”? Why is it that people still have masks on them? What makes them so scared to be out in public as themselves and not as some Shakespearean character (minus a little makeup)? Its time we realized that we have to live life on our basis and for ourselves and not for someone else. And as for the ‘forgive and forget part’…move on! There is no time in today’s world to catch a breath let alone keep some grudge against someone!

27 days!

2008-11-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

today it felt good to have people to call as friends in college.today i jumped out of a window of a car because there was cargo on the top and we couldnt get out any other way. today all i did was sit in a car wid four of the most amazingly hilarious people i know off and laugh my lungs out!

i sometimes wish we had more of this....but looks like its just us and 27 more working days!

the idea of having a "want"!

2008-11-10T09:49:00.000-08:00

i finally figured out the 3 things i want to do before i leave college
1)I want to streak my hair red.
2)I want to pack a bag and go off somewhere for a day.
3)I want to be part of a wall where nobody knows who i am.

alas....
none of this is likely to happen!

a q that needs no a

2008-10-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought about that sudden shiver that runs down your spine when you sit idle for a while? At a very logical level that might not mean much; at the scientific level it just happens when your muscles suddenly relax; at an emotional level…is there really an answer? And that is now the question? Why is there never a definite answer for something emotional? If you want to break up with somebody…3/4 of the time you hardly have a logical answer. If you want to say ‘I love you’ and you cant , there again you don’t have a logical answer why you cant say it. It’s sometimes so difficult to really know why emotional things don’t have answers to…its just better to accept them and move on rather that question what you can never find an answer to.

rains!

2008-10-25T08:38:00.001-07:00

As a child everyone is told that it rains when god cries over some bad thing that you have done. As you grow older it is so beautiful just to sit and watch how tiny drops of water just keep falling from an endless sky. When you look up to see what exactly is making it happen all that is in front of you is a black canvas that has a few grey blotches in it and tiny crystals falling into your face like spears and even though they prick you slightly as they fall against your skin… You can’t help but wonder what a world your part of where sometimes you just don’t have to have a real reason to rationalize why it’s raining. Rain brings to you sights you can never see in any other season-the elation in the eyes of a farmer who knows that profit stands at his door-step this time; the cold faces of your grandparents as they crib about it being too cold; the bubbly sounds of the children who wade through dirty water with little paper boats in their hands; the cars that look like they are flying in thin air; the sound of slow trance music, cuddly blankets and a cup of steaming hot coffee… and then you realize that your no more a child who needs to worry what he’s done wrong…instead you can sit there and enjoy the cool breeze that transports you to a world unknown where these tiny crystals are just felt and not really understood.

a world of its own!

2008-10-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

Come to think of it, college isn’t so bad a place…after all, it taught me all there is to life in the most difficult of ways…which is probably the reason I learnt that you can make a mistake once….because making a mistake once is not a mistake…but repeat that and it becomes a fault! So yes...like they say…your college years are the best years of your life and though mine haven’t been that easy on me…it wasn’t that bad! The way I see it…nothing good in life comes easy and this was just one more threshold in my life which I’m going to cross in 4 months. Who knows where life will lead me in the future but let me say this… life would have been so different without MCC. I would still think that the world was filled with only nice people. I would always trust fast and still be wearing my heart on my sleeve. But now… even though I’m still confused over a lot of things and even though it takes a while for the bulb inside my head to burn….it still manages to burn at the right time and I manage to keep myself out of trouble.
MCC gave me more than I expected: an awesome ragging, a few good friends, a bunch of good memories, a lot of action, tonnes of melodrama, a million fights and misunderstandings and THE CLASS OF 2006-2009…where at the beginning it was just a room filled with people from all walks of life and now…its nothing less than a family. A family where there are fights but the solutions are found from within! A family where everything is shared and an actual effort is made to understand the person sitting opposite you!
So here’s to Malabar Christian College: a home outside home in all senses.

the tale of a witness

2008-10-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

Sitting under the blue sky
Smiling at the sun
Today I wondered-
Who made them all?
Why are the trees green?
Or the sky blue?
Or the sun yellow?
Not an answer came to my head
But I still sat wondering
Knowing fully well that no answer would come
I sat thinking…thinking away about a world…
A world that could never be explained
Just witnessed, just felt.

a walk down to earth

2008-10-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

Every other person
Who walks down to the Earth
Wonders about just small things
Will I ever be a part of all this?
Will I be one with it?

Every other person
Who lives upon the Earth
Wonders about just small things
Am I a part of all this?
Will I ever be known?

Every other person
Who leaves the earth below
Wonders about just small things
Was I ever a part of all that?
Will I ever be remembered?

time will tell

2008-10-02T01:19:00.000-07:00

So today I was sitting around and thinking about what a girl is supposed to say to a boy when he tells her that he likes her! It’s such a confusing thought! I mean….c’mon what exactly are we supposed to say….both ways it’s only going to be difficult for us……if we say ‘yes’ then its “Don’t do this! Don’t wear that!” and then if we say ‘no’ then all his friends gang up around you and do the sob story-thing that “he’s such a nice guy!” Yawn! What exactly is expected of a woman at this situation?
As I sat contemplating things in my over crowded head, I get a call that is least expected but comes at quite the time to solve my problem. Well you can’t exactly say that that’s the right way to go about it….but at least its something. Anyways, we talked about how crushes never stay too long and how it sometimes it makes such a mark that can’t be erased and how sometimes it’s like it was never there at all in the first place.
We argued it this way and that…..but to no avail until finally…..and this time the answer didn’t strike me….it struck him- only time will tell! Yes! That was it! Only time would be able to tell if anything will last longer than it is expected to be! So to all the girls who waste time crying over those stupid boyfriends who dumped you…….cheer up!
They aint worth your time!

change!

2008-09-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

Today I sat around lazing in class when all of a sudden someone came in and said that there was to be some kind of a one-day tour for the whole department and that got me thinking about the one place which is always on my mind- Georges! I sat there thinking about all the weird things I had done there and how much I have grown since then. And yes when I think of Georges, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the people who helped me get this far!

AAK: the wise one( or so he likes to be called!) the bestest friend anyone in the world can ask for. Smart, funny, short-tempered, wise and all in all- my backbone!

AJ: stood by me through the most difficult times. My strength, my guide! A true and loyal friend!

R&M: the two people who made me realize the true meaning of friendship. ‘my guardian angels’- these 2 people even though far away are always in my thoughts!

BM: this one is difficult to explain- but let me tell you this, he is the only one who can get away with a horrible joke at the most serious of times! The wisecrack in the group!

LJT: the one i always underestimated and never quite knew..but lay under the misconception that i did!! am still getting to know him and trust me...the ride so far has been way too cool!! everyday is a surprise!!

VP: though my junior, she is the most genuine person I have known! Whats in her mind is in her mouth. This one came as quite a boon to me.

KS: one of the three sisters… that’s what I used to call her before I really knew her. Once I did I realize that if you have her in your life- you have the best critic and your best friend both together.

AS&NS: we never got along until my 12th and then it was really hard saying bye to them. These two are very different –A is quiet and N is the noisiest thing you can find (after all we are both Aquarians!!)

SaS&StS: well, I hardly got along with these two until SaS started dating my ex-boyfriend’s brother. As for Sts…..well she was the wisecrack of the girl’s group- with her stories of bhondas and puskies!!

And yes…..there are more to come. I realize now that had’nt I listened to them I would have been a complete idiot who did nothing with her life and became a complete raggmuffin!!! But now I know that change is painful but it is inevitable!!!

of pixies, little men and stardust!

2008-09-24T07:38:00.000-07:00

Life is not a fairy tale…..but think of it this way….what if it was? I’d be ‘Tinkerbell’, Peter Pan’s sidekick or little ‘Thumbelina’, on all her adventures or ‘Cinderella’, who gets carried off by her prince……life would have been so much easier. But again we are still forgetting facts….Even in far-far away, there is still a villain- a ‘Captain Hook’ or an ‘Ugly Toad’ or an Evil Stepmother’. What I’m really getting at is that each time I read one of these fairy tales, I sit there and wish that all that would happen to me-‘that my knight in shining armour will ride on his steed and whisk me away’.
So whether we like to accept it or not… the fairy world is not very different from the real world! The only visible difference is that all the endings are happy.
Maybe I’ll take it on me to write a fairy tale that does not have a happy ending but still has all the elements that a fairy tale needs.
But then the question arises… or rather the answer hits me before I can formulate the question- it’s not a fairy tale if it doesn’t have a ‘happy ending’! It becomes life… real life and who wants to read something that hits them on the face with the reality they don’t want to accept?

marriage without being married?

2008-09-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

NN and I are always together and so as the mindset of Kerala is everyone wround here thinks we are married! How dumb is that! So we like spending time together, we enjoy each others company… we have each others back… but hey love? – no way and marriage is far away; and not even to each other.
Love and friendship are two very different relationships and yet from time immemorial these 2 relationships have been entwined together to create a fusion. Why? Why do that? Why mix 2 very different emotions and create a mess of it?
Both together- there are possibilities where people say my best friend is my girlfriend. We say (NN and me!)- your best friend is your strength, why make them your weakness?
All this runs through my mind as I sit in my class staring at a black board with a squeaky teacher in the background. As usual, im sitting right next to NN, thinking and listening to the stories of Shelley and Keats and how Keats was destroyed by love…blah blah…blah!! And as I look around me, I also see so much friendship around and ask myself-
If it weren’t for love, how would you be bound to your friends? And there again we have it- the lethal combination of two powerful emotions to form one supreme power!

?

2008-09-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

So after the complete writing spree I was sitting today in the bathroom (which as most people know is my thinking space). I know its funny and all but trust me….its quiet! There is no one to bug you or interrupt your thoughts. Anyways…..this one is not about bathrooms or anything…..it’s just a random article about some random thoughts that crept into my mind.
So as I was saying, I was sitting there thinking…after this complete month of writing, will I be able to continue this or will I just lose track in the centre, get bored of it and stop? There’s something you should know about me….. I get bored very easily…with things, people and anything that I have for too long! I know its not something that I should be proud of…but hey that’s just who I am.
I’m not going to compromise on who I am just so I can write what people want to read! I was talking to a lot of people who read other people’s blogs and they criticize and comment as if it’s cake walk for them to write something like that. To all those people my question is…..have any of you taken the time to really read what has been written there or is it just to make your day that you destroy another’s?
Holy shit I sound like a feminist? Anyways the point I’m trying to make here…even though I’m not even close to it is this- how many of us are willing to sacrifice ourselves to be someone else so that everyone else around you is content…not happy…just content?
How many of us want to write what we think and not care what others think about it?

a preconceived notion?

2008-09-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

Life sometimes seems so toppled when you’re suddenly given the information that all this while, all you thought you knew was just a ‘misconception’ and the truth slowly unfolds in front of you. You realize that all your ideals and speeches about ‘I have no regrets about how anything in my life turned out’ seem so fake and unreal. That is exactly how I felt yesterday when I spoke to L. It started out just as any normal conversation that I had been having with him for the past few months but I was soon to know that this one would change the way I looked at everything-life, love, friendship, relationships, and the world as a whole. What came to me yesterday was a fact that I have hated to accept ever since I started to have sense. I alienated people when I felt that either they had done me wrong or vice-versa. I always put a mask in front of me and never let anyone into that other world which I call my own. All that is true but yesterday, I didn’t realize; no, yesterday I learnt. I learnt that all the mistakes I made were because of me. There was no way that I could shift the blame onto anyone else. It was time I pulled the skeletons out of my closet, looked at them, analyze them and then got over them.

This morning I opened my eyes hoping that I all I got to know yesterday was just a dream but….no….it was not! It was time to rise up to the occasion and face my mistakes. It was time to grow up and face reality which is that I never know what people really want from me when they start talking to me. Are they looking for someone to kill time with? Is it really because I’m fun? Is it because I do things for them without even thinking twice? What? What was it? I tried and tried to figure it out but to no avail. I’m still thinking though but you know what I just realized- I’ll never know and that’s what makes me……Me! I’m just plain ol’ naïve me who does not know what to expect from people and lets face it- a really poor judge of character.

I always think I know people really well after I’ve known them for a while when frankly speaking …. I sometimes have no clue what they are all about. I think I know what’s best for me when really I don’t. Adding to that I hardly ever…..actually never listen to people who are really trying to help me-no….. I just stick to the ‘misconception’ that I know what is best for me.

And that’s when it hits me……misconceptions will always be there but you should let it justify itself or give the person on the other side a chance to really tell you what has actually happened or you will just end up like me- a person who lived with a preconceived notion or what normal people who don’t justify everything call it- A Misconception!

you know its not your day when.............

2008-09-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

This morning I just didn’t feel like opening my eyes and facing this cruel world again. But then I went against my gut and I got up only to face a series of mishaps.

#1
I had told mom to keep some hot water for me to have a bath with and as usual, like nothing different form any other day, I dropped it all over my legs and now have heat boils all over them.

#2
If that wasn’t bad enough, I had left the iron on to iron out my dress and the rest is predictable-my only purple salwar is now no more. R.I.P.

#3
I had to catch the bus at 8:45 and as usual I was running late. I sacrificed breakfast and ran to catch the bus. I reached there and waited for fifteen minutes until some kind soul on the road told me that I had missed the bus! DRAT!

#4
Normally, around here they say that after 3 misfortunate events, there’s no problem. I was done with 3, right? Wrong! I walked into class happily only to find out that I had walked in on a surprise test in my worst subject and I had to write it!

#5
The next blow was the worst for today. No matter what I do, I’ll always be overshadowed by someone or the other. It’s like no one will ever believe that I did it when the outcome of something done is good. It’s like everyday I have to face the reality that I’m the most inartistic, stupid, uncreative person in the whole wide world.

Now after all this I’m still the optimist, even though I face something or the other every day. I comfort myself saying that there are people who face worse things and also have to face the fact that they can’t do anything about it.
And though I have no artistic skills or any such creativity, I have one thing that not many people have these days- optimism! To get up and smile at the face of adversity…….

I do not bow to fear!!!

a month of moments!

2008-09-17T05:24:00.000-07:00

It’s like every time I think of something I have to write it down…like I’m so scared that I’m actually going to forget all about it when I just know I won’t. Anyways the point is that this month has been a month filled with conquests, challenges, evolution, realizations, confessions, improvements, maturity, confusions and a complete new string of mixed up thoughts!!! So the best way to organize your thoughts is to write about them. So:
Conquests:
I won the certificate for the best all rounder!
Challenges:
I organized something to the best I could.
Evolution:
My mind can think in many angles now.
Realizations:
I am not number one now but I will be.
Confessions:
It makes a difference to me when people say they don’t like me.
Improvements:
I took a small step to being a better friend.
Maturity:
Still getting there!!!
Confusions:
Well……there’s always one!!!

But at the end of all this I also realized that through all this I almost stepped across the little border line between the goodness of humanity and the ugly side of it. From where I stand now……it’s good that I somehow managed to pull back and stand on humanity’s side!
After all, you never know what more life has in store for you! A few moments is all it takes to make you from what you are to what you see yourself to be!

heart Vs mind?

2008-09-16T06:23:00.000-07:00

It’s funny how all of a sudden you realize that you are just a somebody in your most special person’s life! In fact you’re not even somebody with a little importance, you’re just a somebody who walks right past through their life and doesn’t turn back. I sometimes wish I could be the most important thing in someone’s life but that doesn’t look like a distant possibility to me……at least not any more! I just got off a conversation with a really special person who told me that it’s not easy to mean everything in the world to somebody and if you ever have the feeling that you are the world to him its ok to leave the world for him! So there I was thinking away when my mother stepped up in front of me with a new sari and she had a smile on her face that I had never seen before. It was the smile of a mother looking down at her only daughter with tear-filled eyes and hopes of love and a good family for her in the future. Does meaning the world to someone mean giving up on the family who held you the first time you opened your eyes into this world? Was it really worth it to trust someone who likes you but your not the world to and leave your family to whom you already are the world? Is love really worth all that? And then as usual the answer strikes me (yet again…I’m late!!)-love is what keeps me bound to them and if it weren’t for love I would have left them a long time ago. So how does a person who is not loyal to her family go on to be loyal to any of her other relationships? Now here is where you choose who to listen to-your heart or your mind? That then becomes the question. Do you take the rational side and stay with your family or do you take your heart’s side, throw away everything you have and be with a person to whom you’re just a somebody? Like I said….its the struggle between the heart and the mind; the struggle between family and love; the struggle between priority and commitment!

And the answer still lies hidden just as it has been for as long as now and for eternity as well!

can't never say no!

2008-09-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

It dawned on me today that I am a complete slob…no seriously! I am! Most of the times I make a complete fool of myself, make crazy jokes that have bad timing and always and never take anyone serious! But that does not mean that I’m unhappy about it or anything….i like being me! I like it that I can’t take a glass of water from the kitchen to the table without spilling some. I like that I’m always falling from the steps when I’m rushing around with papers in my hands. I like that I can spend any amount of time with a complete stranger and yet make a thoroughly meaningful conversation with them. I like that when someone thinks of fun they think of me.

But then it gets to me…. I’m too nice! I’m always taken for granted. And there is no one else to blame for this but me! The problem there is, that I can’t say no to anybody! Whether I’ve known them for years, months, minutes or just a matter of mere seconds the word ‘no’ is just impossible to hear from my mouth! Why? Why is it so difficult for me to say no to something I really don’t like to do? Why is so difficult for me to say no to something even if I’m really tired and just cant manage to do it?

The answer has not been easy to find and when I did find the answer it was difficult to accept. I wanted everyone to like me….. no it wasn’t that…I just didn’t want anyone to dislike me because I said ‘no’! I don’t honestly care what people think of me because a wise person said to me – “character is what you are and reputation is what others make of you!” So it really didn’t bother me if everyone liked me but it mattered to me when someone said they didn’t!

But now growing up has taught me this- just because someone doesn’t like you, you’re not going to stop living! So why let something as trivial as that bother you? So today I take a resolution that the decisions I make are going to be made strictly on the basis of ‘me’!

I am going to learn to say ‘no’ but knowing me even then I’ll add…… “ no thank you but I’m so sorry I wont be able to complete this for you. Actually its because…….” I will be finding excuses even then.

Looks like this is something I have got to live with or probably just leave to time to change!

a lesson learnt!

2008-09-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

It is very easy to say ‘I am the best’ but when you suddenly realize that your actually not number one, it comes as quite a loss especially when all you ever wanted was to be number one…to be acknowledged for the talents you have. Sometimes when you try to get to the top, you have to put yourself there…in the middle but that does not mean that your grabbing attention. Life sometimes throws some moments at you when you suddenly wonder… am I really a good person?
Today was one such day when I questioned myself about the person I was, the person I am and the person I want to be. I realized today that just because you put a mask on you and walk around like nothing bothers you…it doesn’t mean that you are strong. It just means that you’re a coward who cannot face what the world throws at you.
I consider myself to be a good communicator…but if I really am, why do I find it so difficult to get my point across? Why do I always land up defending and justifying myself even though I know that I am in the wrong? But today being the day of realizations and the end of all misconceptions, I actually feel happy about being myself because through all this I never lost my identity. I was still me. I was me with a little make-up on!
Today was the day when my best critic walked up to me and said ‘when you grow up I will!’ Today was the day when I became the friend that I knew I always could be. Today I was proud to say that I took one small step to being the person that R&M would have liked to see me as. Today I can say that I have learnt how important it is to be as good a listener as a talker. Today I learnt that it wasn’t so bad being me. Today I learnt that sometimes It’s ok to let other people know what your really thinking. Today I learnt that you can’t run away from reality even if you shift the blame on someone else.

Today I learnt that deep down inside, somewhere at the bottom of my tiny heart, I was proud to be me!

take me along with you!

2008-09-08T02:07:00.000-07:00

How do you know if people are ever going to remember you after you die? How do you know if you will have any relevance in anyone’s life after they cant see you any more? The question then rises up if you can believe in something or someone who you cant see! But can you….can you really believe in something you cant see?

Is seeing believing or do you actually need something to strengthen the faith you have? After you lose someone whom you love why is it so easy to go on believing that they are in a better place? Or why is it so difficult to believe that they are actually gone? What do you do then? Do you live in the past and not let go off them or do you take them along with you?

The answer then comes to me and with it brings a smirk to my sullen face……. I was going take him with me! I was going to take all the good things that came our way and all the great times we shared laughing at life everyday. He’s gone but that doesn’t mean that I have to forget about him or cry over him. No! that will just ruin and tarnish the few living memories that I carry along with me.

I live and I carry him along with me till my last breath!

CITI( Calicut Information Technology Initiative)

2008-09-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

i had actually decided not to go for this event but then realized that if i did bunk my principal would know and taking a risk....me..never!(ya right!) but not that day. no i actually decided to go. CITI( calciut IT initiative) was one program that showed me a vast ocean full of careers and not just for the engineers or the IT professionals. no there were jobs for creative people like me at wipro.

now heres the good part. there were competetions held and i decided ive give 'group discussions' a shot! before i started my friend N.N. told me," M.J. this is not a debate. give them time to talk and then you talk." i listened to him for the first time in history( it got me far but ill get to that in a bit). so i entered a group where all around me there were what we the arts students call "science geeks". now normally i dont glance twice at the science guys coz they freak me out. i kinda feel a little stupid in front of them but out of that group of 13 i noticed this guy in a blue shirt(blue being my favorite colour, big round harry potter glasses and this book in his hand. i still remember thinking to myself- what a nerd!

then we discussed and we all spoke! at the end of the semi finals who both should be chosen but me and Mr Blue Shirt!! i was wowed! we were asked to meet at the table for the finals after 10 minutes! i went to take a breather but was pushed back into the GD 5 minutes after it had started only to stare at mr blue shirt. all this was confusing to me. i kept staring at him so he could tell me what the hell was going on! all the people were yelling at each other, repeating the same stupid point and the topic was ' sex education:is it necessary or not?"

firstly its a weird topic to discuss with malayalees considering that it is said to be taboo around here. anyways not deviating any more...there we were fighting with each other over this when my eyes met his. he seemed to be a nice guy!! well anyways at the end of it all the girl who spoke utter rot won first, he won second and i came third. so we came out of the room and i decided to talk to him! what did i have to lose and come to think of it it was one good decision i made. he was a gift...a gift with tonnes of intelligence. HV.thats wat i call him. a boon that i took back from that seminar. i learnt from him how important it is that you have as good an IQ as an EQ.

HV taught me that life never comes easy. its all about hard work. he made me realise that being confused is not such a bad thing. Mixed Doubles! thats what we call it! its all about living life to the max! so ya..this is random but i had to write about it before i forgot. not that i will considering that i met a man of excellence at a place where it was finally proven to me that u need both your tongue and your wits to save you!

my guardian angels!

2008-09-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

Whats next? Which college will I join? Will I get a job? These were the questions that were haunting my mind when I opened my eyes this morning. I sat up thinking to myself if this time I would be brave and accept everything that comes my way or would I as usual lie to myself and the whole world around me and say that there is nothing wrong? And that’s what suddenly got me thinking of school…..thinking of what I was and what I am today. I sat analyzing why and how I had become me? And that’s when it struck me……..its all thanks to R&M. Its thanks to them that I have grown up and learnt to accept my mistakes.

I got to know R&M when I was studying in the 9^th std. I was this hopeless romantic who believed that life was a fairytale and that I would have my happy ever-after. But I was so wrong! There never really are any happy ever-afters! But then naïve, obstinate little me didn’t want to believe it and why……for a boy! For Y! I let myself into lying for a boy to the 2 most loving and caring people in the world. All I did was take them for granted (but that never occurred to me then! No! then I thought I was an awesome friend). I thought that no matter what they would stand by me forever and tolerate all the things I ended up doing! But now come to think of it the only thing I made them do was clean up after me and lift me up when I was going to fall( which was practically always then). But now…looking at it from their point of view….they left with good reason! I was a liar!

I lied about it all to them as well as to myself knowing fully well what I was doing was wrong! At that time I justified myself saying that I did it for ‘love’!! Love! What a strange word…..it forces you to do things that you as a person would never do or so I thought until 3years back when I realized that even in love you need to be rational!

So there I was making a complete fool of myself while R&M tried to stop me! I thought Y was my prince-charming but little did I know that my ‘guardian angels’(as I refer to them now) were trying to protect me from the ‘big bad wolf. I cheated the 2 people who believed in me the most. I betrayed the 2 people who stood by me when the whole world looked at me like I was scum.

By then I had realized the grave mistake I had made but it was too late. I couldn’t even stand before then let alone look into their eyes to apologize! It was finally time for then to leave. By then taking pity on my sorry condition and keeping the promise of friendship they had made to me they bid adieu to me in style. Their last words to me still ring in my ears till this day-“its time you grew up! Its time you believed in yourself! And the next time you make a friend make sure you never lie to them.”

Ill never forget that day! It was the last time I saw them both face-to face. Its almost 6 years now and I can still see them in front of me! I know I might sound a little weird…hell..plain weird but it is because of them that I am what I am now. I might not be the best now but I am better than what I was. I realized that charater doesn’t need a change……it only needs improvement.

So here’s to the 2 girls that made life worth living then and now. Its thanks to people like you that people like me learn to survive the cruel world and yet believe that the place is still worth living in.

The Choice......

2008-09-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes its so difficult to describe yourself and it becomes convenient just to say something philosophical and smart...but really on the inside your just this null and void person who is scared of identifying and describing oneself!!! where does that leave you on the map??
A lonely, sad, desolate person who eventhough is at the peak of success has no one to share it with!!

How does that make you feel? Then there is the array of questions that run through your head..... what do i need to complete me? how do i get there? should i be someone else or should i just be me?? But here comes the shockeer... You have no choice but to be you. Being someone else will get you through-for the moment, but it will not get you far.

So now fate lies in your hands- Do you want to get through or do you want to get far?Do you want people to know you by who you are or by what you have become? The ball is still in your court!!

A Confused Statement

2008-09-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

So yes....I am in just the mood of writing away...i just cant seem to stop!!! The thought thats been on my mind the whole of today...... can u choose which side of a person u want and which side you dont or do you just have to take the whole person in? Somebody once told me that love is a feeling when you feel a feeling that you have never felt before. Someone else once told me that the person u fall in love with today must be loved by you tomorrow and all the days to come. Another person told me that love is the one thing that completes two people who are meant to be together. My question is you feel a million feelings that u have never felt before in a day...how do you know which one is love? When do you know its love?? When your heart skips a beat...When you have butterflies in your stomach...When you feel a shiver run down your spine...When you smile at the very name of the person..When??When?? Well...the answer is simple.....Love is a confused statement.

A Thought?

2008-09-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

Its a wonder how people say i love you to the people they supposedly care about but in reality know nothing about. At the end of the day when they sit down to analyse things, does it even occur to them that they might have toyed with the other persons feelings??? Would it ever have occured to them that maybe.....just maybe, the person on the other end might really mean what he or she said? Then what?? What's next?? They go back into the materialistic world where survival means stepping over the person in front of you to get to the top and be a superficial pompous self-proclaimed king!! Is there justice in the world of emotions or do they just walk into your life, turn it upside down and then just leave?? A fact that eveyone must ask themselves!! An answer that never fails to shock the person to whom it is revealed!!! The question still remains.....Who is brave enough to find out? Who is wise enough to question? Who is original enough to defy?

jaane tu....ya jaane na!!

2008-07-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

(this was written in one of those fits when you realise the strange things that love can do to you!!!and even though the title is so filmy.....it really does say alot!!)
when do you know its love?
when all works out and
theres laughter in the air
when theres magic in the eyes
when all you can think of is them.....
is this love??
or

when nothing works but your together
when million tears are shed from your eyes for one smile on thir face
when reality is magic enough to be magic itself
when all you can think of is that you'll be together forever
is this love??
or

when you dont work things out but wait a while
when there is no difference if there is laughter or not
when makes no sense at all
and all you can do is just compromise!!
No.....Love is...

growing old together..
never having to let go...never having to say sorry....
LOVE is LOVE when there is no reason for falling in it!!!!

love thy neighbour

2008-06-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

wretched little rascals!
jumped right above my head
what a bloody noise they made
i thought i'd just fall dead!

music floating through my ears
making me wish i couldnt hear
the nuisanse that they turned out to be
i wish that i had earliar seen

hell broke loose at 9 each night
and i went up and made a fight
but then at last i did realise
that i had led a childish life

so down the steps i jumped and came
and knew that i still felt the same
the joy that had once engulfed my heart
i knew i was making a new start

i then came down and knelt to pray
to God-what did i want to say??
but it wasnt me..it was him saying
love thy neighbour like u love me!

alone alone and all all alone

2008-06-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

And once I knew a certain someone
Who stood alone/ alone and all alone
And though he had many a friends
It always looked like he was making amends

And once I knew a certain someone
Who stood by corners all day long
And when the night would stir along
He would sing his woe-filled song

And once I knew a certain someone
Who saw right through a persons lie
But what the others didn’t know
Was that his was lie that would never show

And once I knew a certain someone
Who conquered all that he came across
But little did he know just then
Someone was coming to conquer his den

And do once I knew a certain someone
Who believed in all but him
But when she came passing by
He was elated but didn’t know why

Once I knew a certain someone
Who smiled at every word I said
But possession took the better of him
And guilt but filled him to the brim

And once I knew a certain someone
Who took his last breath and cried to me
‘I loved to the best I could
And gave you the best of what I am’

And now I know certain someone
Who stood alone/ alone and all all alone
Thinking many may come and many may go
But this dream will live on forever

And so now I know a certain me
Who’s under a mask that no one can see
But little as they know I’m alone as can be
Alone, alone all all alone and the world to see

Now I know a certain meWhose just as alone as was he...

why?

2008-06-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

(one of those days in class wen there was nothing better to do)

Why is it all about mistakes?
Will there ever be a world beyond?
Where love prevails and evil fails
Will there ever be a heaven on earth?

Will there be a man acknowledged
for being rich at heart and pure in soul?
With cures for heal and pity to feel
Will there ever be a heaven on earth?

Will there be a bird that flies far in to the skies,
far away from cries?
Without its wings folded, or clipped away
Will there ever be a heaven on earth?

a beginning from an end.....

2008-06-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

(wat drove me to write this...im not very sure...but this is by far the most genuine thing i have written....sometimes...somethings just make u think!!)

somewhere outside in the cold
a stranger lingered around
with darkness for a shield and moon for light
he watched her window for just one sight.
with an angelic glow and a shining halo
she looked down upon him and smiled
he shuddered as her smile touched him
just like red leaves in autumn
'maria!' he called "come down from the sky
and live with me precious till morning is nigh."
'edmund', she wispered, "the time is not right
we will be together when he decides."
silently but awake he thought through the night
why wasnt his beloved left by his side
the answer came as fast as the question left
death is the beginning and not just the end.....